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Humour – 6 Exceptional Malaysia Jokes that Malaysians enjoy most

7 Mar 2008 | Malaysia, Miscellaneous |  14 comments
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Overview
Got this piece in an email forward from my Dad earlier, if you are a Malaysia and happen to so looooooove the Gown-Own-Ment, you should check it out. If you are not a Malaysian and would like to know how much we Malaysians looooooove the Gown-Own-Ment, then you should be interested in checking it out too.

幽默 – 讓國人最爽的六個 Malaysia 極品笑話
(Humour – 6 Exceptional Malaysia Jokes that Malaysians enjoy most)

1. 直升機 (Helicopter)
Pak Lah, Najib And Sami Vellu 同坐直升機巡視。
(Pak Lah, Najib and Sami Vellu riding helicopter scouting)

Sami Vellu 說:’如果我丟一千塊下去,撿到那一個人一定很高興。’
(Sami Vellu said: “If I throw a One Thousand Ringgit Note down there, the one who picked it up must be very happy.”)
[Note: One Thousand Ringgit Notes no longer exist]

Najib 說:’如果我丟兩張五百元下去,那就有兩個人很高興了。’
(Najid said: “If I throw Two Five Hundred Ringgit Notes down there, then there would be Two very happy person.”)

Pak Lah 說:’如果我丟十張一百元下去,就有十個人很高興了。’
(Pak Lah said: “If I throw Ten One Hundred Ringgit Notes, then got Ten People very happy.”)
[Note: Highest amount per note is One Hundred Ringgit]

這個時候 ……..
(At this moment ……..)

駕駛員喃喃自語地說:’何不把自己都丟下去,讓兩千一百萬人都高興呢?’
(Pilot mumbling: “Why not throw yourselves down there, let 21 Million people happy?”)
[Note: Malaysia’s population is approximately 21 Million]

2. 郵票 (Stamp)
Sami Vellu 希望提高自己的聲望,想要發行一款有自己肖像的郵票…..
(Sami Vellu hoping to improve his reputation, wanted to release a set of stamps with his image …..)

發行過了一個多月之後,Sami Vellu 想要問看看視察看看銷路如何…..
(More than a month after release, Sami Vellu wanted to ask how the sales are doing …..)

Sami Vellu : ‘銷售情形怎麼樣?’
(Sami Vellu: “How’s the sales status?”)

郵政總局局長:’還算不錯,只不過常常有人抱怨黏不牢!
(Post Office Head Officer: “Not bad, but often many people complained won’t stick firmly.”)
Sami Vellu : ‘怎麼會呢?’ Sami Vellu 隨手拿了一張郵票,塗了一點口水在郵票背面,便試貼在信封上 ….
(Sami Vellu: “How come? Sami Vellu took a stamp, plastered some saliva on the backside of the stamp, then tried to stick it on an envelope ….)

Sami Vellu :’ 這樣不是黏得很緊嗎?’
(Sami Vellu: “Ain’t this sticked on quite firm?”)

郵政總局局長: ‘可是……大家….都把口水吐在正面啊 ……’
(Post Office Head Officer: “But …… Everyone …. spat saliva on the front side oh ……”)
[Note: Sami Vellu’s image is on the front site]

3. Najib vs Robber
深夜,Najib 去買宵夜,結果在路上遇到搶匪 …
(Night, Najib went to buy supper, met up with robber on the road …)

搶匪拿著槍指著 Najib 說:’ 把身上的錢交出來!’
(Robber holding a knife at Najib said: “Gimme all the money you have!”)

Najib 勃然大怒說:’你這什麼態度?我可是堂堂Vice Prime Minister 耶!’
(Najib angrily said: “What is this attitude of yours? I am the Vice Prime Minister leh!”)

搶匪:’喔,那……把我的錢還來。 ‘
(Robber: “Oh, then …… return my monies.”)
[Note: Corruption is a very common and popular practice over here in Malaysia]

4. Who is saved?
某天,Prime Minister 、Parliment members…等大官一起參加一個會議,結果發生連環車禍,送至醫院急救,記者們聞風趕至醫院….
(One day, Prime Minister, Parliment members … and many big officials participated a meeting together, but chain reactive car accident happened, sent to hospital for emergency rescue, reporters rushed to the hospital ….)

稍久,醫生出來了,記者忙著問’醫生!醫生!Prime Minister 有救嗎?’
(A while later, doctor came out, reporters quickly asked: “Doctor! Doctor! Can the Prime Minister be saved?”)

醫生沮喪的搖搖頭說:’唉 ..Prime Minister 沒救了…’
(Doctor shook his head sadly and said: “Aih .. Prime Minister cannot be saved …”)

記者又問:’醫生!醫生!Najib 有救嗎?’
(Reporters asked again: “Doctor! Doctor! Can Najib be saved?”)

醫生又沮喪的搖搖頭說:’唉 …也沒救了…’
(Doctor shook his head sadly again and said:”Aih … also cannot be saved …”)

記者就問:’那 …到底誰有救?’
(Reporters then ask: “Then … who can be saved?”)

醫生精神一振說: ‘Malaysia 有救了!’
(Doctor happily said: “Malaysia is saved!”)

5. Sami Vellu visits the Asylum
有一天Sami Vellu 往某家精神病院視察,所有的病人都站在走廊上高聲歡呼,
(One day Sami Vellu visits a particular asylum to check out the place, all the patients stood by the corridor loudly cheering at him.)

Sami Vellu 萬歲!Sami Vellu 萬歲!
(Long live Sami Vellu! Long live Sami Vellu!)
[Note: 萬歲 kinda means “long live” as 歲 means age while 萬 means Ten Thousand]

只有一名病人面無表情,對Sami Vellu 不理不睬。
(Only got one patient’s facial expression remain unchanged, not paying Sami Vellu any attention at all.)

Sami Vellu 看到了,問院長說:’那位病人為什麼不對我歡呼呢?’
(Sami Vellu saw that, asked the warden: “Why that patient did not cheer for me?”)

院長:’因為他今天精神非常正常。’
(Warden: “Because today his mental status is very normal.”)

6. Sami Vellu Campaigning Joy
一輛競選車載著Sami Vellu 競選團隊開到鄉村去造勢,不幸在山間小路上翻車。
(A campaigning car with Sami Vellu and his team of campaigners drove to a village to attract votes, unfortunately their car flipped on the hillside roads.)

正在農田作活的老農民看見這情景,就趕到出事地點,可是車上的人都死光了。
(An old farmer who was working on the fields saw that, rushed to the post, but all the people in the car died.)

于是他挖了一個土坑,把幾個政客都埋了。
(So he dug a hole, buried a few political members.)

過了幾天,負責事故勘察的警察找到那個老農民,問他那幾個政客到哪里去了,老農民說己經埋了。
(After a few days, a police inspector handling this case found the old farmer, asked him where are the few political members, old farmer told him already buried them.)

警察趕緊追問:’他們都死了嗎? ‘
(Police quickly asked: “They were dead?”)

老農回答說:’嗯…,我看到Sami Vellu 在我埋他的時候大叫說他還沒死。’
(Old farmer replied: “Aye …,I saw Sami Vellu shouting out loudly that he have not died when I am burying him.)

警察說:’那你怎麼也把他埋了?’
(Police said: “Then how come you buried him as well?”)

老農說:’你知道的嘛? 這個Sami Vellu 從不說實話。
(Old Farmer said: “You know or not? This Sami Vellu never says the truth.”)

Deimos’s Daily Reads
Since this post is directly related to Malaysia, so once again the following articles are from fellow Malaysian Bloggers.

I am a pervert so let’s kick off with the ladies post:
Designer Jayhan shared some nice screenies of Shiratori Yuriko in Chinese Qi Pao.
Anime King Kenny has an cool shot of Eri Sawachika in bikini. Yummy!

Since I am a blogger, so these blogging related posts interests me:
Techie iCalvn stumbled upon a couple of kewl stumble exchange programs.
Check out his experience at his blog and if one is interested in joining, here is an invitation link for one of them:
http://stumbleudon.com/signup.php?r=916&c=e36jf9klny47d06e490c
If the link fails to work, let me know so I can provide another one.

Toys fanatic BaseGuardian shared his happy experience of receiving Stumble Traffic.

Smart mofo Wan Kong Yew shared his experience and some screenies at the Solomon Islands National Museum as well as an interesting story about a moon rock.

Deimos’s Thoughts
Good jokes. I like them all. Shows how much Malaysians love the Gown-Own-Ment.

Deimos Asks
For everyone: What do you think of the above jokes?
For Non Malaysians: What do you think of our country?
For Malaysians: What do you think about the 3 stars in the above stories?


14 Comments

  1. 7th March 2008 
    4:00 pm         

    SiteHoppers
    said the following:

    Wow, do Malaysians use Chinese characters too?

    I didn’t know that.
    My friend went to Kuala Lumpar and said Malaysia is tight, always wanted to go but haven’t yet.

    One day…for sheezy. 😀

    “Give me all your money!”

  2. 7th March 2008 
    4:08 pm         

    Deimos Tel`Arin
    said the following:

    @Max:
    There be “three big races” living together over here. 😈
    The Malays, Chinese and Indians. 🙂
    To sum it up, the Malays rules the country. :mrgreen:
    That’s why it is called Malaysia. 😀
    Us Chinese and Indians are kinda marginalized. 😐
    We have Chinese schools over here, so yeah we use Chinese fonts. 😉

  3. 7th March 2008 
    4:12 pm         

    SiteHoppers
    said the following:

    Yeah, I agree, it’s an interesting country, a federation of different groups of people. I wanna see that twin-tower building thingee though, forgot what that famous building is called…

  4. 7th March 2008 
    4:43 pm         

    Deimos Tel`Arin
    said the following:

    @Max:
    The building that looks like two sweet corns? 😆
    I think it is “Petronas Twin Towers” or “Suria KLCC”. 😛

  5. 7th March 2008 
    4:49 pm         

    SiteHoppers
    said the following:

    Yes, that’s what it was, it looked so cool, that’s how i know Malaysia must be cool… that’s was like 5 years ago when i was in college, kinda got joulous that i didn’t get to see it yet… 😛

  6. 7th March 2008 
    4:55 pm         

    Vic
    said the following:

    Haa~~ I have read these jokes millions times… and I still lol every time i read…

  7. 7th March 2008 
    7:19 pm         

    Steve Yu
    said the following:

    LOL…. this jokes are hilarious! Love them! 😀

  8. 7th March 2008 
    8:35 pm         

    BaseGuardian
    said the following:

    For everyone: What do you think of the above jokes?
    Funny. It’s always funny when it’s not us we’re talking about 😆
    For Non Malaysians: What do you think of our country?
    I’m a Malaysian, and luv it 😳
    For Malaysians: What do you think about the 3 stars in the above stories?
    I don’t know what to say but personally Pak Lah is not my favorite PM 😛 , Najib is.. kinda okay 🙄 Sammy Vellu, I like the way he talk 😛

  9. 8th March 2008 
    6:08 am         

    kljs
    said the following:

    I have only one thing to say.

    VOTE FOR CHANGE!!!

  10. 9th March 2008 
    4:35 pm         

    Deimos Tel`Arin
    said the following:

    @Max:
    Well, them Twin Towers ain’t gonna go anywhere. 😈
    Come pay Malaysia a visit one day, maybe we can come out for a drink by then. 🙂

    ======================================================

    @Vic:
    Gosh, I feel so outdated. 😯

    ======================================================

    @Steve Yu:
    Classic jokes at its best! :mrgreen:

    ======================================================

    @BaseGuardian:
    I think the jokes are bloody funny and true! 😆
    Well, the jump helicopter one might be a bit extreme though … 😐
    The 3 stars mentioned in the above jokes arr … 😕
    I feel the same, Pak Lah is not my favorite PM as well. 🙄
    Najib, I think he is rather evil for blowing up the Mongolian girl … ➡
    Sammy Vellu, he’s a joker. 😛

    ======================================================

    @kljs:
    I think many folks voted for change. 💡
    BN lost it big time this round. 😮

    ======================================================

  11. 18th December 2008 
    12:31 am         

    thana
    said the following:

    three stooges

  12. 16th March 2009 
    8:34 pm         

    Sammy Velu
    said the following:

    Hi, I am Sammy Vellu the con man.

    Me and Bodawi the PM have join forces and plan to cheat the citezens of Malaysia. Afterall these citezens are studpid people. We have been cheating the whole nation for the past 50 yrs and intend to continue. Our bank accounts are full of money and we can buy anything.

    What can U do?

    The legal system is in our pockets, so is the Police including IGP and even the Malay rulers support us to rob the malaysia citzens.

    Anybody opposing us will be put in prison under ISA law.

    So you studpid citezens can’t do a thing about it, can you? BN rules OK

  13. 5th February 2010 
    5:17 am         

    OneMalaysia?
    said the following:

    Facts about Malaysia. Wonder why they still promote the myth of 1Malaysia. When it’s not going to be practiced.

    (1) Out of all the 5 major banks, only one bank is multi-racial, the rest are controlled by malays

    (2) 99% of Petronas directors are malays

    (3) 3% of Petronas employees are Chinese

    (4) 99% of 2000 Petronas gasoline stations are owned by malays

    (5) 100% all contractors working under Petronas projects must be bumis status

    (6) 0% of non-malay staffs is legally required in malay companies. But there must be 30% malay staffs in Chinese companies

    (7) 5% of all new intake for government army, nurses, polices, is non-malays

    (8) 2% is the present Chinese staff in Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF), drop from 40% in 1960

    (9) 2% is the percentage of non-malay government servants in Putrajaya. But malays make up 98%

    (10) 7% is the percentage of Chinese government servants in the whole government (in 2004), drop from 30% in 1960

    (11) 95% of government contracts are given to malays

    (12) 100% all business licenses are controlled by malay government e.g. Approved Permits, Taxi Permits, etc

    (13) 80% of the Chinese rice millers in Kedah had to be sold to malay controlled Bernas in 1980s. Otherwise, life is make difficult for Chinese rice millers

    (14) 100 big companies set up, managed and owned by Chinese Malaysians were taken over by government, and later managed by malays since 1970s e.g. MISC, UMBC, UTC, etc

    (15) At least 10 Chinese owned bus companies (throughout Malaysia, throughout 40 years) had to be sold to MARA or other malay transport companies due to rejection by malay authority to Chinese application for bus routes and rejection for their application for new buses

    (16) 2 Chinese taxi drivers were barred from driving in Johor Larkin bus station. There are about 30 taxi drivers and 3 are Chinese in October 2004. Spoiling taxi club properties was the reason given

    (17) 0 non-malays are allowed to get shop lots in the new Muar bus station (November 2004)

    (18) 8000 billion ringgit is the total amount the government channeled to malay pockets through ASB, ASN, MARA, privatisation of government agencies, Tabung Haji etc, through NEP over 34 years period

    (19) 48 Chinese primary schools closed down since 1968 – 2000

    (20) 144 Indian primary schools closed down since 1968 – 2000

    (21) 2637 malay primary schools built since 1968 – 2000

    (22) 2.5% is government budget for Chinese primary schools. Indian schools got only 1%, malay schools got 96.5%

    (23) While a Chinese parent with RM1000 salary (monthly) cannot get school-text-book-loan, a malay parent with RM2000 salary is eligible

    (24) 10 all public universities vice chancellors are malays

    (25) 5% – the government universities lecturers of non-malay origins had been reduced from about 70% in 1965 to only 5% in 2004

    (26) Only 5% is given to non-malays for government scholarships over 40 years

    (27) 0 Chinese or Indians were sent to Japan and Korea under “Look East Policy”

    (28) 128 STPM Chinese top students could not get into the course that they aspired e.g. Medicine (in 2004)

    (29) 10% place for non-bumi students for MARA science schools beginning from year 2003, but only 7% are filled. Before that it was 100% malays

    (30) 50 cases whereby Chinese and Indian Malaysians, are beaten up in the National Service program in 2003
    (31) 25% is Malaysian Chinese population in 2004, drop from 45% in 1957

    (32) 7% is the present Malaysian Indians population (2004), a drop from 12% in 1957

    (33) 2 million Chinese Malaysians had emigrated to overseas since 40 years ago

    (34) 0.5 million Indian Malaysians had emigrated to overseas

    (35) 3 million Indonesians had migrated into Malaysia and became Malaysian citizens with bumis status

    (36) 600000 are the Chinese and Indian Malaysians with red IC and were rejected repeatedly when applying for citizenship for 40 years. Perhaps 60% of them had already passed away due to old age. This shows racism of how easily Indonesians got their citizenship compare with the Chinese and Indians

    (37) 5% – 15% discount for a malay to buy a house, regardless whether the malay is poor or rich

    (38) 2% is what Chinese new villages get compare with 98% of what malay villages got for rural development budget

    (39) 50 road names (at least) had been changed from Chinese names to other names

    (40) 1 Dewan Gan Boon Leong (in Malacca) was altered to other name (e.g. Dewan Serbaguna or sort) when it was being officially used for a few days. Government try to shun Chinese names. This racism happened in around year 2000 or sort

    (41) 0 churches/temples were built for each housing estate. But every housing estate got at least one mosque/surau built

    (42) 3000 mosques/surau were built in all housing estates throughout Malaysia since 1970. No churches, no temples are required to be built in housing estates

    (43) 1 Catholic church in Shah Alam took 20 years to apply to be constructed. But told by malay authority that it must look like a factory and not look like a church. Still not yet approved in 2004

    (44) 1 publishing of Bible in Iban language banned (in 2002)

    (45) 0 of the government TV stations (RTM1, RTM2, TV3) are directors of non-malay origins

    (46) 30 government produced TV dramas and films always showed that the bad guys had Chinese face, and the good guys had malay face. You can check it out since 1970s. Recent years, this tendency becomes less

    (47) 10 times, at least, malays (especially Umno) had threatened to massacre the Chinese Malaysians using May 13 since 1969

    (48) 20 constituencies won by DAP would not get funds from the government to develop. Or these Chinese majority constituencies would be the last to be developed

    (49) 100 constituencies (parliaments and states) had been racially re-delineated so Chinese voters were diluted that Chinese candidates, particularly DAP candidates lost in election since 1970s

    (50) Only 3 out of 12 human rights items are ratified by Malaysia government since 1960

    (51) 0 – elimination of all forms of racial discrimination (UN Human Rights) is not ratified by Malaysia government since 1960s

    (52) 20 reported cases whereby malay ambulance attendances treated Chinese patients inhumanely, and malay government hospital staffs purposely delay attending to Chinese patients in 2003. Unreported cases may be 200

    (53) 50 cases each year whereby Chinese, especially Chinese youths being beaten up by malay youths in public places. We may check at police reports provided the police took the report, otherwise there will be no record

    (54) 20 cases every year whereby Chinese drivers who accidentally knocked down malays were seriously assaulted or killed by malays

    (55) 12% is what ASB/ASN got per annum while banks fixed deposit is only about 3.5% per annum